Corporate review meetings

In a typical corporate business review, there are generally 4 main characters:

 1] Presenter(s) - P

2] Presenter's manager - PM

3] Leadership - L

4] Audience - A

To add to the theatrics, just like in movies, there are guest-appearances and side-kicks who can enter a review meeting and make or break things ! Based on my 14+ years of corporate experience, I have categorized review meetings into 6 types but I am sure, readers will have more to add. Do let me know in the comments!

A) Barjatya style- Hum Saath Saath hai

While this category is the most coveted, its rare! Imagine team dynamics where leadership is optimistic even in tough times, where everyone's always ready to help each other and team reviews feel like team-outing! For an employee from other (below) categories, this feels unreal and made-up....sample this review conversation:

P: While we had a rough last quarter, we aim to make up for it in the next quarter for which we need support from leadership

L: I am really bullish about this team and ready to bet that it will be the fastest growing org- let's keep our spirits high!

PM: Thank you for the vote of confidence, I told the team to keep doing what they are doing and results will eventually come.

L: I have hand-picked this team and you'll can never fail... Yes, its just a bad phase, but you guys are the best, I know!

A (chorus): A B C D E F G H I ...J K L M..... N O P Q R S T U V W X.... Y Z

We love you!

0:00

Be warned though- In 30 years, Barjatya has made only 6 movies with no movie released since 2022- so, not only is this category rare, its moving towards extinction!!

B) Abbas Mustan style- Not my circus, not my monkey

Ever seen an Abbas-Mustan thriller where you feel nauseous and confused after the several twists and turns- turns out its a popular style of review meeting too! If you can't decide - divert, if you can't conclude- confuse and that's how the presenter ends up looking ! The presenter invites who's who of the corporate circus in a hope for clarity on way forward, little does he know that the seemingly straight path is winding and wretched!

P: Due to product and tech outages in last 6 months our partners have suffered losses for which they need to be compensated. Let's agree on the owners who will calculate the exact compensation and timelines by which we conclude this this long pending exercise

L: I empathize with you but we need to go back to the drawing board and see whether we need these partners at all !

Guest Stakeholder 1: While I acknowledge that outages happened, we need to involve global team as it was due to sudden warming of global data servers in Red sea which is not in our purview !

Guest stakeholder 2: While there is merit in what you are saying, I would need a cost-benefit analysis with a 10 year projection on the estimated upside for business with this investment. Post that, we need CEO approval !

L: Let's first review the overall business health and conclude if we want to continue the business next year. This issue that P has brought up can be solved next week in a smaller group between rest of you

PM: There is one more pending issue that needs urgent attention ...

P (muttering discretely): Ok, next week meeting, 1 year feasibility , 10 year projection , forever indecision........

And once you have been through multiple such 'twisted' meetings where nothing gets decided, you decide to become care-free and that gives birth to....

C) Suicide bomber- BLACK FRIDAY

An under-prepared + over-confident presenter enters the room - opens the meeting with "context setting/opening remarks " and boooom.....cut to the scene, where the survivors (A) are picking up shredded ego of the presenter, presenter's manager has fled the scene (read- an important adhoc meeting) and the leadership is trampling over whatever's left of the presenter. So, what exactly happened in those 20 seconds:

P: Our business grew 20% last month and we expect to continue the momentum for rest of the year

PM: Nice job!

L: Ok, and your goal was?

P: 50% and <Pressed the detonator> boooooooom

Typical aftermath- leadership asks for a follow up meeting , presenter's manager is trying their best to have an "emergency at home" while another warrior (presenter) preps in a hope to not 'self-detonate'. And what about the original presenter? Well, his best hope is to find his way out or become a part of the next category......

D) Match fixing style, Paper leak :

Ok, this one needs a GODFATHER to pull off!! As everyone (except the audience) is a part of the collusion, the challenge here is to make the review meeting look as believable and real as possible. The questions are planted, decisions are already made and its now show time.

L: Let's directly jump to the key sections where my inputs are required, after all time is money, right?

P: Sure and money is what we need- We need a budget of INR 50 crores to expand into other geographies which will give as an additional revenue of INR 1000 crores over next 10 years. Would you like to see the projections?

L: Not really, I have a fair idea of this product and the market size, looks like your assumptions and projections are realistic. Lets go ahead.

A(whispering to each other): This is unfair- 1 month back,I had an ask for 1/10th of this budget with 10x better returns, but it was shot down and I was asked to revisit my assumptions !

And it's reviews like this that creates camps within an organization, which brings us to....

E) Anurag Kashyap style, Gangs of Wasseypur :

The difference between this and the suicide bombing review is that in this case, everyone has walked in with guns and knives, walk is apprehensive and presenter knows that there is a camp of people out there, waiting to inflict pain, little by little vs an option of blowing up in one go!

P: To improve efficiency we need to invest in the Bazooka CRM and its a one time investment of INR 20 crores

Audience (opp-camp): We have done this before, it doesnt work, what's the merit in trying it again ?

Audience (opp-camp): By how much will the efficiency improve? What's the ROI?

Audience (opp-camp): Why is no one else in the market using it? There must be a reason why you want to be industry-first

Audience (same-camp): If we just want to copy what others in the market are doing, why do we need such highly-paid folks, let's hire some freshers at 25% of the cost and get them to copy our competitors.

PM: Guys, if we are looking for immediate results, lets just shut down this business. I believe, we all here for the long term and such questions are not helping us

P: Relax, I will answer all your questions at the end of the presentation

Alas! There's no end to this presentation and all that the presenter took away is - who belongs to which camp!! And guess who benefits the most after these meetings- The road-side tea and cigarette shop just outside the office and if the wounds are solid and deep, then the nearby wine-shop/pub!!

Knowing well that presenting facts as is will never get you what you want, its time to unlock the manipulator in you.....

F) The CON style- Hera Pheri

After having spent years in this system , having burnt himself as well as seen others burn, the presenter has done his research- not on the topic of review but on "what to show, what not to show , what to say and when". Hits are self-owned, misses are externalized and asks for support from leadership are multiplied by a factor of 50 to 100.

If ever there was a 'Maslow's hierarchy of business reviews" , this is the self-actualization stage! This level of supremacy is much sought after in the organization as the presenter now becomes the peer reviewer/ gate keeper who gives a "soft sign off" on whether the novice presenter is ready for the big bad world!

Heed his advice and you have a chance to join the Barjatya style review family else be ready to get blown up or shot down!!

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